Hurting at the Hot Corner

If you're a third baseman, watch out! It's been a tough week so far for players at the hot corner.

First, on Sunday, Amityville's Aramis Ramirez was placed on the 15-day Disabled List after accidentally ingesting three gallons of vanilla ice cream -- even though he's severely lactose intolerant. "I thought it was mayonnaise," Ramirez said. Why he thought it was OK to eat three gallons of mayonnaise remains to be determined. The Ant Slayers replaced him with Jack Hannahan.

The next day, Philadelphia's David Wright also went on the 15-day D.L. after suffering from a severe case of turf toe while playing Madden NFL. The Endzone Animals signed Chris Johnson.

Just two days later, Newark captain Chipper Jones tweaked something or other. I mean, it's Chipper Jones. The dude has hurt every part of his body over the last 16 years. He's one big ache at this point. Jones didn't go on the D.L. as he's expected to be back by the weekend, but Jason Kubel also got hurt after claiming he could eat 100 pounds of jelly beans in an hour. Kubel won the bet, but will spend the next two weeks in a diabetic coma. But while the Sugar Bears have backup outfielders, they don't have another third baseman on the roster, so they had to sign one too -- Justin Turner.

But don't worry. Even with those three third basemen signed, there's still 15 available in free agency -- including three-time DMBL All-Star Scott Rolen.

"What the fuck, man?" a distraught Rolen asked after hearing the Endzone Animals -- who had taken him #2 overall in the 1998 draft, and where he played for 10 of his 13 seasons -- had signed Johnson instead of him.

"I need five goddamn RBIs to get to 1,000. Five!" Rolen said. "Six home runs to get to 250. One lousy double to get to 400!"

When last seen, Rolen was frantically sticking pins in his Ryan Zimmerman voodoo doll.