Shakeup in Hillsborough

The Hillsborough Hitmen shook up their roster yesterday after mediocre results in the first two weeks of the season. The Hitmen placed injured first baseman Dmitri Young on the disabled list and released Ryan Spilborghs and Bengie Molina. Spilborghs was 1-9 in four games and Molina was 1-10. The Hitmen picked up outfielder Ryan Ludwick, cut from Vancouver's roster before the season started to take Young's place. Former South Boston Gang backstop Ramon Hernandez was signed to take over catching duties, and DMBL veteran Mike Cameron will take over in the outfield.

Carlos Pena's 4 RBIs led the Rat Pack to a decisive 11-3 victory over the Plunkers. Tampa starter Jered Weaver was pounded for 7 runs in 1.1 innings. Every player in the Rat Pack lineup got at least one hit, and only two of them didn't have at least two. Starter Chris Young and reliever Francisco Rodriguez combined for 16 strikeouts in the game.

Philadelphia's 8-game winning streak came to an end at the hands of fraternal rival Carolina, 5-1 yesterday. Tim Hudson held the Animals to one run and four hits in 8.1 innings. Paul Konerko, subbing in for injured Ryan Garko, got his first hit of the season - a two-run homer in the fifth of Johan Santana.

Fausto Carmona rebounded from injury and a putrid start with a solid outing against Team Buddah yesterday. The Straphangers routed the Buddahs by a 10-4 margin. Kevin Youkilis hit a three run homer and Ryan Theriot hit a bases-loaded triple to lead the Sardine City offense.

Animals tally eighth straight

The Endzone Animals won their eighth straight after a 5-1 shutdown of Vancouver yesterday. Jason Bergmann held the Fist to one run on six hits in seven innings. Magglio Ordonez's three-run homer in the first inning off Jake Peavy gave the Animals the early lead. Peavy struggled in the first, walking two of the first three batters before the homer, but settled in and pitched seven innings, but took his first loss of the year.

New Jersey's Jesse Litsch held the Tampa Bay Plunkers to only three hits and one run in seven innings to earn his first win of the year. Adam LaRoche was 3-4 with a homer and Josh Fields was also 3-4 to lead the Buddah "offense" to the 2-1 win. It was the ninth time (out of 15 games) that the Buddahs were held to less than 3 runs. Jeff Francis pitched a complete game in defeat, surrendering only two runs and nine hits.

Newark once again pounded away on their opponents. This time Marietta was the recipient of a 19-3 drubbing. Chien-Ming Wang once again received a ridiculous amount of run support from the Sugar Bear bats. After only receiving eight runs in support of his first start, Wang got 22 against Sardine City, 18 against Vegas, and now 19 against Marietta. Randy Johnson and Javier Vazquez each had one game of double-digit run support, but other than that the Bears were relatively held in check. "Wang was feeling all down in the dumps before the season after losing to the other pitchers in a poker tournament" said team captain Chipper Jones, "so this is our way of making it up to him."

Injuries pile up

It's been a rough weekend for the DMBL, but a good weekend for the team doctors. Five players went down with injuries that will keep them out for the better of two weeks. Carolina lost first baseman Ryan Garko, but they figure Paul Konerko sounds almost the same and fans will never tell the difference.

Meanwhile Joe Mauer and Yadier Molina collided in the field in a strange play. Molina appeared to bobble a throw home to get Mauer. When Molina went down to pick up the ball, he lunged into a sliding Mauer, causing all sorts of carnage on the field. Vegas manager and owner Eric Wickstrom protested, calling it a cheap shot by Newark's "goon", accusing Molina of purposely taking out Mauer. "It's just more cheating by Garretson's Goons" said Chone Figgins, who was running the bases during the play. "Of course it was a scrub that took out Mauer, not one of the stars! How convenient!" While Molina objected to being called a "scrub", it was pointed out to him that in fact, yes, he was a scrub. "I stand corrected" Molina apologized on the way to the ER.

D.C.'s Shawn Hill will miss at least two starts after leaving in the first inning of Saturday's game against Blue Ridge. Hill will be replaced by Sean Marshall, who was released by the Bushslappers prior to opening day. "We have to keep up our quota of Seans in the rotation" said team owner Jamie Landsman.

Finally, Hillsborough lost first baseman Dmitri Young for two weeks after Young slid awkwardly trying to score. "I saw what [Plunker catcher Kenji Johjima] was doing..." said an irate Young after the game. "He tried to Yadier me." When asked about the play, Johjima said that he definitely did not try to Yadier the first baseman. "I couldn't possibly Yadier him. I'm not a scrub" he stated via translator.

Buddahs drop 9 in a row, Rats lose first

The Buddahs were so full of hope after winning their opening day matchup, but things have gone very sour since then. Team Buddah has now lost their 9th straight game after a 4-3 nailbiter to the Morris-leading D.C. Bushslappers. In the nine game skid, the Buddahs have been shut out three times and have scored more than 3 runs only once. New Jersey faces Hoboken tomorrow - the only team that they have beaten thus far - and then they face Marietta Sunday, so maybe they'll break that slide yet...

Roy Halladay shut out the Falcons yesterday in a 6-hit complete game. For Halladay it was his first win of the season. Halladay moved into the top 10 in career shutouts, tied with Andy Pettitte. Grady Sizemore's 3-run homer in the third gave the Mudcats all the runs they'd need, though they added a few more just for good measure.

Rich Hill of Vancouver had the other shutout of the day, though not a complete game. Hill only pitched six innings, but struck out 7 in the 5-0 victory over the Bombers. Hill had been roughed up in his previous two starts - he had a 17.36 ERA entering the game - so it was good to see the lefty right his ship, at least for one start. Troy Percival pitched a 3-inning save, his first since 2005 when he was with the Phoenix Dragons.

Sardine City's Fausto Carmona returned from injury (perhaps a bit early?) and was rocked by the Mighty Men. Carmona lasted only two innings and gave up six runs on seven hits and three walks. Meanwhile Marietta's Daniel Cabrera was brilliant, picking up his first career complete game and holding the Sardines to one earned run on five hits, while striking out eight. Third baseman Ryan Braun committed his sixth error of the season in the game.

Finally, the Rat Pack was dealt their first loss of the season, an 18-5 drubbing by the Sugar Bears. Jack Cust had two home runs and 6 RBIs and Bobby Abreu was 4-6 with 4 runs and 3 RBIs to help the Sugar Bears remind everyone that they are still the team to beat. The two clubs face each other again today - remember that this week they are offering a free preview of the DMBL Extra Innings package!

Rats win 10th straight

The Rat Pack has moved to 10-0 after defeating the Straphangers 14-3 yesterday. It's the best start for Las Vegas since they were bought by owner Eric Wickstrom. Carlos Pena and Jeremy Hermida each had 4 RBIs. Hermida had two homers in the effort, while Pena had one. Orlando Hernandez held the Sardines to only 2 hits over six innings. Sardine City catcher Kurt Suzuki was forced to leave late in the game after hitting a sacrifice fly. Suzuki will sit out until people start to refer to him only as "Kurt", much like Rat Pack outfielder Ichiro Suzuki. "Watching Ichiro on the other bench with his name on his uniform...that's gonna be me too!" said Kurt.

Vancouver broke their five game slide by besting the Falcons 4-2. Mike Lowell hit a two-run homer in the sixth to give the Fist a 3-2 lead. Zack Greinke got the call to replace injured starter Chad Billingsley, but did not make it out of the fifth inning. Tim Wakefield, also pitching for an injured starter (Chuck James), took a tough loss after pitching seven solid innings.

D.C. remained atop the Morris Division after coming back in the ninth inning to topple the Mudcats 6-5. Down 5-3, Adrian Beltre launched a two-run shot to tie the game up and Ryan Zimmerman poked a single to drive the winning run home for the win. Five of the eleven Mudcat games so far this year have been decided by one run - the Cats are 2-3 in those games.

Falcons win first

The Falcons finally broke their winless streak, defeating the struggling Iron Fist 7-6. Arkansas went up 6-4 after the sixth, but Vancouver crawled back to tie it up at six. The Falcons won the game after Kevin Kouzmanoff hit a pinch hit home run leading off the bottom of the ninth. Vancouver's David Ortiz continued his hot streak, going 3-3 with a home run and 3 RBIs.

D.C.'s Derrek Lee led the Slapper offense with 6 RBIs in a 10-4 rout of the Mudcats. The Cats jumped out to a 4-0 lead, but it all fell apart in the eighth inning. Clinging to a 4-3 lead, reliever Brian Fuentes threw a can of gasoline on a fire and then tossed in some firecrackers to boot. Fuentes was responsible for six of the seven runs in that inning, while recording only two outs.

Newark's offense is at it again, smashing the Buddahs by a 19-3 margin. The Sugar Bears had 20 hits and 10 walks. Nick Swisher had 3 home runs and 7 RBIs. Meanwhile, Randy Johnson cruised on his way to his second win of the season, limiting Jersey to only 4 hits, and striking out eight in seven innings.

Matiash to give up DMBL franchise

Arkansas Falcons GM/Owner Mike "Stump" Matiash has refused to bribe the commissioner decided to blow off his DMBL duties this year, preferring to spend his time and money on a fantasy softball league that he's starting up this year. "The time has come for a DMBL-equivalent for softball" said Matiash in a 60 Minutes interview. With his team off to an 0-7 start, many Arkansas fans are clamoring for Matiash to sell the team. Marietta owner David Landsman is championing former owner Adam Kozubal as a possible replacement.

Meanwhile, in Sardine City, the Straphangers have decided to jettison all their prospects in favor of veterans. "Clearly our strategy of drafting young players has backfired" said co-owner Chris Calvosa. "We can no longer make our fans wait for these lollygagging whippersnappers to get up to speed." The Sardines have released young prospects like Evan Longoria, Colby Rasmus, and Joba Chamberlain in favor of veterans like Rich Aurilia, Craig Biggio, Carlos Delgado, and Mike Piazza. "We're pretty confident that we can rebuild the 1997 All-Star team" said Greg Calvosa. "Now if only our team scientist, Dr. Sam Beckett will just finish with that time machine..."

Finally, Tampa Bay Plunkers owner Bill Levesque was seen being carted away by men in white coats and being escorted to the Psychoneurotic Institute for the Very, VERY Nervous after penning some curious conspiracy-related posts to his team's Team Notes page. "They're all in on it!" said Levesque before being locked in the van. "From Matiash, to Garretson, all the way up to Zajac!" Levesque's notes and journals were confiscated by DMBL league officials.

Happy April Fools Day everyone...tomorrow, back to reality.