Matiash to give up DMBL franchise

Arkansas Falcons GM/Owner Mike "Stump" Matiash has refused to bribe the commissioner decided to blow off his DMBL duties this year, preferring to spend his time and money on a fantasy softball league that he's starting up this year. "The time has come for a DMBL-equivalent for softball" said Matiash in a 60 Minutes interview. With his team off to an 0-7 start, many Arkansas fans are clamoring for Matiash to sell the team. Marietta owner David Landsman is championing former owner Adam Kozubal as a possible replacement.

Meanwhile, in Sardine City, the Straphangers have decided to jettison all their prospects in favor of veterans. "Clearly our strategy of drafting young players has backfired" said co-owner Chris Calvosa. "We can no longer make our fans wait for these lollygagging whippersnappers to get up to speed." The Sardines have released young prospects like Evan Longoria, Colby Rasmus, and Joba Chamberlain in favor of veterans like Rich Aurilia, Craig Biggio, Carlos Delgado, and Mike Piazza. "We're pretty confident that we can rebuild the 1997 All-Star team" said Greg Calvosa. "Now if only our team scientist, Dr. Sam Beckett will just finish with that time machine..."

Finally, Tampa Bay Plunkers owner Bill Levesque was seen being carted away by men in white coats and being escorted to the Psychoneurotic Institute for the Very, VERY Nervous after penning some curious conspiracy-related posts to his team's Team Notes page. "They're all in on it!" said Levesque before being locked in the van. "From Matiash, to Garretson, all the way up to Zajac!" Levesque's notes and journals were confiscated by DMBL league officials.

Happy April Fools Day everyone...tomorrow, back to reality.